oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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