I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
