I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
