Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
