Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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