i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
