When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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