He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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