just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
