My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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