1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
