Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
