stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
