ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
false alarm, still single
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize