he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
