I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
