I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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