What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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