sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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