Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
