i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
