Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
