I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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