If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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