I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
