Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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