Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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