I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
