3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We left the knife in your bed.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
