U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
