i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Randomize
