Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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