who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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