youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
