I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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