Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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