are you still at the devil's house?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
