the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
