my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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