fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
