i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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