shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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