My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
