Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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