You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You may now shotgun with the bride
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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