i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
