He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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