Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize