If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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