Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
