I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
