So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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