Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just high enough for therapy.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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