Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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