I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
