I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
