see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
pop tarts are not kleenex
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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