sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
