well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
thus making me awesome and them whores
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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