dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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