I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
