we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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