he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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