please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
