I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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