Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
