I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
