My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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