i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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