my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
