ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
if only i could text you this smell
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
