I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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