I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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