I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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