I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
