I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
