I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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