Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
