i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
