If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
